Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
