i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
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