we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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