Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
