watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Randomize
