I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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