I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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