My cat gives me a boner
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
