I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
