I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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