And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
