ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
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