Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
