If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
