My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Someone shattered a urinal.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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