yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
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