If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
