Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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