I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
