Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
