question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Everclear isn't food dammit
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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