you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
