if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
I am spending my child support on dildos
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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