before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
