new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
