The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Randomize
