is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
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