i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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