So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize
