so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
whose parrot is this?
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Randomize
