The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
