So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Randomize
