Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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