Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
