It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
