New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
