WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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