I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Girls should come with a carfax report
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Holy sore nipples Batman
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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