i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Randomize
