Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
