I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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