If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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