Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
