i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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