They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
I woke up under a house in Key West
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
