Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
