Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I think my moral compass just broke
Randomize
