update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Randomize
