we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
