im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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